dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
