Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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