I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
