I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
