I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
