And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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