You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
