the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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