It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize