Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
