I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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