Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
