i think i scared a bird with my dick
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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