So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
