now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
