I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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