I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
