I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
