My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
