Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
