We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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