Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
