You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Randomize
