____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
