wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
