The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
