I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
