I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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