i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You pole danced in your parka.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
