I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
