made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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