It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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