and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Randomize
