The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
