If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
