everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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