I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
