Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
