If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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