I'm jealous of your bromance
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
