I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
