Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
