Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
