I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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