i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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