if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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