My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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