I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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