vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
