I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
