I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize