dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just threw up on my dentist
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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