if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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