glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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