even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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