She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
