At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
