If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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